Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Top 10 Shapes

"What is a shape?" You might ask, rudely. Well, let's look at the dictionary. According to modern lexicographers in colleges in some town over there in a ditch, shape is Greek for the German word shapzkrieg, meaning triangles. With that in mind, we can understand why shapes are such an integral part of geometry, aka 8th grade math, aka school sucks, aka you got diarrhea on pizza day.

Anyhow, the shapes listed below are the ones you need to keep in mind when you're doing all sorts of crap. (Don't shapes make you want to soar through the shapeless clouds, or navigate the amorphous seas? Don't they inspire you to float in one way or another? Don't they make you feel as light as a feather?!) Whatever it is that shapes do to you--I, for one, find that squares drive me absolutely crazy--you gotta know them inside and out. Check out this list of shapes you haven't thought about since pre-school:

1. Square
Please recall that I mentioned squares, before. The square is a shape on paper. The town square is where the mayor will make an example of you if you are caught shoplifting chewing gum in 1762. If you're just gonna steal shit, then the answer, quite simply, is public humiliation.

2. Circle
Life is a circle. You're born, you get a yinyang tattoo that everyone secretly hates, and then you die in a pile of leaves.

3. Triangle
I believe we are all familiar with the triceratops, who has three horns, each one signifying a time his wife cheated on him with Tommy Smithbags from down the street. Cuckoldry: forever attendant on those who eat ferns. The triceratops isn't even extinct; it's just embarrassed and hiding behind Mt. Rushmore.

4. Rectangle
The rectangle comes at you in all shapes and forms, from circles, to squares, to who-knows-what. You can't really draw a rectangle or really even measure it at all. It's like a sack filled with mud. You either sit on the sack, or pour out the mud and use the sack for something else...sorta -- it's, like, rectangles are all gross and muddy, but they're all kinda similar, too. Same thing, really.

5. Trapezoid
Pronounced trape-squad, the trapezoid is spending most of its time wandering aimlessly across Europe; just wasting Dad's money -- just whatever -- and we're all getting pret-ty sick of its shit. Get a real job. Also, I'm not buyin' it. I'm not even buyin' that this thing even exists, because I don't go to Europe for walks 'n' shit. Go back to France. 

6. Alaska
It's big; it's northerly; it's distinctive. It looks like Alaska, every time. It's not like New Hampshire, which is just inverted Vermont. Those two states have got to be fucking kidding me. They could switch places every time I look at the map, and I wouldn't notice.

7. Amoebas
Amoebas are cool because they have only one cell. The coffee you are drinking right now is probably filled with amoebas. I've seen a bunch of amoebas in high school science class, so I know exactly how it feels for you to be drinking poison.

8. Slabs of Meat
Most shapely meat slabs have gone through a process of tenderizing, which makes them all the more tantalizing and damp. Take the damp meat, place it onto a frying pan on medium heat, and create a household smell. The kitchen is really the Hertz of the houseboat.

9. Dome
The tricky thing about domes is you got your domes, but then you got your super-domes. Now, domes are easy and no probs, McBlobs. But if you're talkin' super-domes, you're talkin' maintenance, you're talkin' keepin' the dome up to code, you're dealin' with the dome inspector, Sal Moutsitrakas, you gotta reseed, run the pipes -- the list goes on. Stick to small upside-down domes, such as cereal bowls. No one even knows you have them, or molluscum.

10. Ten
The number "10" is a neat shape because you can't wait to reach it if you are counting to ten. It's kinda like a goal, or stuffs.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Top 10 People You're Seeing Around

Admit it. You're seeing everybody around. All people see other people. You're not the exception, and you know it. This list of people you're probably seeing sitting around will help you be able to know what types of people you're seeing, and why you see them. More importantly, this list will prepare you, most likely, to see more individuals who do or do not matter whatsoever. Pretty much who cares. 

10. The Guy On The Train
This is that guy who's on the train with you sometimes, and he's just going about his business, like a doof.

9. Some Doof
This doofstick is just doofin' around your neighborhood, with absolutely no regard for you, regardless of your regard for him.

8. Wheelchair Individual
Some individual stands out, because he can't stand up, so you just stare at him, regularly, and think, I wonder if this guy could walk before, or if he was born with his legs bitten off by a killer whale.

7. Tim Johnson
You're seein' Tim around, because he's your roommate. Or you're seeing some other person.

6. Salesman
Full of salesmanship, the salesman wants so badly for you to purchase his piece of crap merchandise that blows.

5. Your Grandma
Your Grandma is always around, and it's really getting on your nerves, mostly because she's irrelevant.

4. Skateboarder
He is skateboarding past you right now (couldn't land a simple kickflip to save his life, though).

3. Blobs
There are blobs everywhere. Admit it.

2. Robot
Don't even.

1. Man Fighting A Swan
A grown-ass man spending his entire Saturday knocking a beautiful swan unconscious with a folding chair. This guy is a real nutcase. Or is he? Who are you to judge? I really think the important thing to remember, here, is that you have absolutely no idea what happened between this guy and the swan before you decided to get nosy. Mind your business. Admit that you should mind your beeswax.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

How to Exercise Active Nonviolent Resistance While Playing Grand Theft Auto V

A lot of people were talking about GTA V when it first came out. Well, congratulations to them for being so prompt. Now I'm talking about it, because that's how I do shit. I talk about shit nice and late, after the buzz has faded, so my article gets shamefully low readership. Despite its short reach, this article is important for a variety of made-up reasons:

1. The New York Times is going to allude to it in the latest issue of Sports Illustrated for Kids.

2. The Atlantic will use it as a reference for important research on postmodern blogging of the 21st century (This particular blog post is very postmodern; in fact, it's so postmodern that I can't even finish this sent--).

3. The Atlantic Ocean will use it.

Anyway, this is how you play GTA V while exercising Gandhi's unique approach of active nonviolent resistance: You walk around. You look at stuff. You lose.

You lost.

Monday, September 9, 2013

Useful List #1: Top 10 Insulting College Thesis Titles

Participating in life is difficult, especially when you have to write a college thesis (they're so long!). That's why I've chosen to help students tackle one of the toughest parts of the writing process: the title.

Usually, when you are writing your thesis, you have "Senior-itis," and you just plain don't give a shit about school, or grades, or your future in general. We can all agree on that last part, especially: the future. Big whoop! Who cares about the future? It's not like the future is more important just because you have more of it ahead of you. Actually, according to internal research I have conducted inside of my own brain off the top of my head just now, the future should be the last thing on your mind during your senior year of college.

That is why I have composed the following list of 10 insulting college thesis titles. Having a punchy, abusive heading can really help your paper stand out and establish your legacy as a maniac who experienced a meltdown and blew it bigtime. Check it out!

1. I Will Take a Crap on Your Head 
This title delivers a stern, yet predictably empty threat to your professor, letting him know that you at least feel as though a considerably large piece of your own personal crap should be deposited on his head as soon as humanly possible.

2. Eat Beef, then Barf Beef, Buddy
Besides the playful alliteration, this clever injunction has the tendency to befuddle the professor and pique her curiosity. Good lord, what am I about to read? she might think to herself. 

3. Your Class Taught Me to Hate You
This one is nice because it blames your own hatred of your professor entirely on the professor himself, possibly resulting in a temporary feeling of sadness on his part.

4. Balls
Just balls.

5. I'm Giving You the Finger, Always
A feeling of always and forever can really drive home your point, which is that you will be flipping your professor the bird, however metaphorical, in perpetuity.

6. You Smell
Juvenile and brief, a solid "You Smell" can spice up your thesis and make your professor think, Hey, maybe I do smell, or maybe not. Probably not, though. Either way, this student will be getting an F.

7. Nice One
Sometimes general sarcasm is the best kind of sarcasm. Are you saying that your paper is, in fact, not a nice one, because you simply don't care? Are you telling your professor that her assignment was a lame attempt to get you to learn? When you are vague in your sarcastic insult title, you make it more powerful than you ever imagined.

8. You Gotta Be Kidding Me
It's just that he's got to be fuckin' kidding you, all up in the learning environment. 

9. Cut the Shit
Here, you're just simply asking her to cut the crap, like she's coming at you with a whole load of bull-crap, and you want her to quit it, because you're fed up, and you've had just about enough of her nonsense.

10. Who Cares
Exactly. Who cares, indeed? You certainly don't. And that is why you have written a college thesis entitled, Who Cares.