Sunday, February 8, 2015

12 Absolutes You'll Never Need, Every Time

Some idiot who always wears Patagonia. 

Just like everyone, everywhere, you're always absolutely gonna be guaranteed, every time. But never, also. But, whaaaaat?! Um…yeah! That's why you're never gonna need it: because you always have it — and if you don't always have it, you're gonna want it. You know it. Don't act like you don't. But do it absolutely, forever. That's because always. Here're definitely 12 reasons why:

1. You're Always Reading This
It sucks that you started reading this, because now you're always reading it, in perpetuity. It's almost like it's impossible for you to read something else; except you will read something else, every time. Classic you. Go classic yourself. 

2. Just Like Everyone, You Always Are
You're never not, and that is precisely why you always are. Don't die, or else you'll prove that you were, but aren't anymore, and we won't abide that kind of hypocrisy, ever. 

3. You Always Aren't, Also
So, in that way, you're an individual, who is like no one. No one that is, and no one that ever has been, is like you now, and will be like you forever, unless you are an average person, in which case, like most people, you’re like everyone else. You always read that while you read that, which means everything.  

4. Absolutely
Are you definitely going to the party at Johnny's? Absolutely. And no one can tell you otherwise, as long as you both shall live. Go to Johnny's party, and then get married to Johnny, because marriage is forever.

5. Forever
What is forever? you might totally ask me, every time. I don't know. To define forever would be to give it boundaries, and I don't respect boundaries. I don't respect personal boundaries, as you know, because I’m up in your grill, 24-7 — or I’m not up in your grill at all, depending on if you love me or you hate me, and it’s gotta be one or the other, because that’s my realness and truth — but, more importantly, I don’t respect physical boundaries and enclosures, which is why I love Escape from Alcatraz.

6. Absolute Vodka
This blog post is sponsored by Absolute Vodka. If you're in the mood for delicious vodka, drink only Absolute, all night, because it is the absolute worst vodka you could ever drink at your mom's Christmas party. Christmas is a time for God and mulled wine and other things that live longer in people's hearts than you will. 

7. Knee Surgery
Knee surgery is forever. If it goes right, you'll enjoy it for a while and then forget about it, unless it's raining. But if it goes wrong, then we're talkin' medical malpractice, the court system, and one of your knees bein' all weird and useless. Never get knee surgery, even though surgery is always important.

8. Always, Always, Never 
When will you never always learn that now and forever? For instance, you missed everything on Saturday night, while you sat at home doing something. Buy a clue. See you in hell, pal. Saw you the whole time, Sawzall and all, disposing of the corpse. What’s always wrong? Cold-blooded murder, is what. Yeah, it's called surveillance, and it's the latest technology, and you’re going to prison.

9. The Horizon
Always just sitting there, it's the horizon. Very horizontal and radiant.

10. Fire
Fire has always existed, even before we invented it. What did you invent in high school Invention Class? I invented a Rube Goldberg that includes a balloon that inflates near-infinitely, then pops itself on an infinitely sharp needle, scaring a feathered creature into laying an egg, which then rolls down a ramp and cracks onto a frying pan, over an open flame, teaching you about drugs. Learn about drugs, then do drugs and see what happens, you druggy.  

11. Movies
Movies have been around forever. The first movie ever made was live, real-time footage of King James translating the Bible in his swanky home-office. Obviously, everybody has been watching that movie over and over, all the time. 

12. Shakespeare
Absolutely timeless, forevermore. It’s cool how all of his writings are relatable, even to everybody. For instance, take Sonnet #129.33:

Forsooth I fry the glob upon the hob,
I clearly see the rabbit I must stab it.
I park the truck, its wheels do need a chock,
I’m writing this on a computer right now.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Top 10 Shapes

"What is a shape?" You might ask, rudely. Well, let's look at the dictionary. According to modern lexicographers in colleges in some town over there in a ditch, shape is Greek for the German word shapzkrieg, meaning triangles. With that in mind, we can understand why shapes are such an integral part of geometry, aka 8th grade math, aka school sucks, aka you got diarrhea on pizza day.

Anyhow, the shapes listed below are the ones you need to keep in mind when you're doing all sorts of crap. (Don't shapes make you want to soar through the shapeless clouds, or navigate the amorphous seas? Don't they inspire you to float in one way or another? Don't they make you feel as light as a feather?!) Whatever it is that shapes do to you--I, for one, find that squares drive me absolutely crazy--you gotta know them inside and out. Check out this list of shapes you haven't thought about since pre-school:

1. Square
Please recall that I mentioned squares, before. The square is a shape on paper. The town square is where the mayor will make an example of you if you are caught shoplifting chewing gum in 1762. If you're just gonna steal shit, then the answer, quite simply, is public humiliation.

2. Circle
Life is a circle. You're born, you get a yinyang tattoo that everyone secretly hates, and then you die in a pile of leaves.

3. Triangle
I believe we are all familiar with the triceratops, who has three horns, each one signifying a time his wife cheated on him with Tommy Smithbags from down the street. Cuckoldry: forever attendant on those who eat ferns. The triceratops isn't even extinct; it's just embarrassed and hiding behind Mt. Rushmore.

4. Rectangle
The rectangle comes at you in all shapes and forms, from circles, to squares, to who-knows-what. You can't really draw a rectangle or really even measure it at all. It's like a sack filled with mud. You either sit on the sack, or pour out the mud and use the sack for something else...sorta -- it's, like, rectangles are all gross and muddy, but they're all kinda similar, too. Same thing, really.

5. Trapezoid
Pronounced trape-squad, the trapezoid is spending most of its time wandering aimlessly across Europe; just wasting Dad's money -- just whatever -- and we're all getting pret-ty sick of its shit. Get a real job. Also, I'm not buyin' it. I'm not even buyin' that this thing even exists, because I don't go to Europe for walks 'n' shit. Go back to France. 

6. Alaska
It's big; it's northerly; it's distinctive. It looks like Alaska, every time. It's not like New Hampshire, which is just inverted Vermont. Those two states have got to be fucking kidding me. They could switch places every time I look at the map, and I wouldn't notice.

7. Amoebas
Amoebas are cool because they have only one cell. The coffee you are drinking right now is probably filled with amoebas. I've seen a bunch of amoebas in high school science class, so I know exactly how it feels for you to be drinking poison.

8. Slabs of Meat
Most shapely meat slabs have gone through a process of tenderizing, which makes them all the more tantalizing and damp. Take the damp meat, place it onto a frying pan on medium heat, and create a household smell. The kitchen is really the Hertz of the houseboat.

9. Dome
The tricky thing about domes is you got your domes, but then you got your super-domes. Now, domes are easy and no probs, McBlobs. But if you're talkin' super-domes, you're talkin' maintenance, you're talkin' keepin' the dome up to code, you're dealin' with the dome inspector, Sal Moutsitrakas, you gotta reseed, run the pipes -- the list goes on. Stick to small upside-down domes, such as cereal bowls. No one even knows you have them, or molluscum.

10. Ten
The number "10" is a neat shape because you can't wait to reach it if you are counting to ten. It's kinda like a goal, or stuffs.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Top 10 People You're Seeing Around

Admit it. You're seeing everybody around. All people see other people. You're not the exception, and you know it. This list of people you're probably seeing sitting around will help you be able to know what types of people you're seeing, and why you see them. More importantly, this list will prepare you, most likely, to see more individuals who do or do not matter whatsoever. Pretty much who cares. 

10. The Guy On The Train
This is that guy who's on the train with you sometimes, and he's just going about his business, like a doof.

9. Some Doof
This doofstick is just doofin' around your neighborhood, with absolutely no regard for you, regardless of your regard for him.

8. Wheelchair Individual
Some individual stands out, because he can't stand up, so you just stare at him, regularly, and think, I wonder if this guy could walk before, or if he was born with his legs bitten off by a killer whale.

7. Tim Johnson
You're seein' Tim around, because he's your roommate. Or you're seeing some other person.

6. Salesman
Full of salesmanship, the salesman wants so badly for you to purchase his piece of crap merchandise that blows.

5. Your Grandma
Your Grandma is always around, and it's really getting on your nerves, mostly because she's irrelevant.

4. Skateboarder
He is skateboarding past you right now (couldn't land a simple kickflip to save his life, though).

3. Blobs
There are blobs everywhere. Admit it.

2. Robot
Don't even.

1. Man Fighting A Swan
A grown-ass man spending his entire Saturday knocking a beautiful swan unconscious with a folding chair. This guy is a real nutcase. Or is he? Who are you to judge? I really think the important thing to remember, here, is that you have absolutely no idea what happened between this guy and the swan before you decided to get nosy. Mind your business. Admit that you should mind your beeswax.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

How to Exercise Active Nonviolent Resistance While Playing Grand Theft Auto V

A lot of people were talking about GTA V when it first came out. Well, congratulations to them for being so prompt. Now I'm talking about it, because that's how I do shit. I talk about shit nice and late, after the buzz has faded, so my article gets shamefully low readership. Despite its short reach, this article is important for a variety of made-up reasons:

1. The New York Times is going to allude to it in the latest issue of Sports Illustrated for Kids.

2. The Atlantic will use it as a reference for important research on postmodern blogging of the 21st century (This particular blog post is very postmodern; in fact, it's so postmodern that I can't even finish this sent--).

3. The Atlantic Ocean will use it.

Anyway, this is how you play GTA V while exercising Gandhi's unique approach of active nonviolent resistance: You walk around. You look at stuff. You lose.

You lost.