Sunday, February 8, 2015

12 Absolutes You'll Never Need, Every Time

Some idiot who always wears Patagonia. 

Just like everyone, everywhere, you're always absolutely gonna be guaranteed, every time. But never, also. But, whaaaaat?! Um…yeah! That's why you're never gonna need it: because you always have it — and if you don't always have it, you're gonna want it. You know it. Don't act like you don't. But do it absolutely, forever. That's because always. Here're definitely 12 reasons why:

1. You're Always Reading This
It sucks that you started reading this, because now you're always reading it, in perpetuity. It's almost like it's impossible for you to read something else; except you will read something else, every time. Classic you. Go classic yourself. 

2. Just Like Everyone, You Always Are
You're never not, and that is precisely why you always are. Don't die, or else you'll prove that you were, but aren't anymore, and we won't abide that kind of hypocrisy, ever. 

3. You Always Aren't, Also
So, in that way, you're an individual, who is like no one. No one that is, and no one that ever has been, is like you now, and will be like you forever, unless you are an average person, in which case, like most people, you’re like everyone else. You always read that while you read that, which means everything.  

4. Absolutely
Are you definitely going to the party at Johnny's? Absolutely. And no one can tell you otherwise, as long as you both shall live. Go to Johnny's party, and then get married to Johnny, because marriage is forever.

5. Forever
What is forever? you might totally ask me, every time. I don't know. To define forever would be to give it boundaries, and I don't respect boundaries. I don't respect personal boundaries, as you know, because I’m up in your grill, 24-7 — or I’m not up in your grill at all, depending on if you love me or you hate me, and it’s gotta be one or the other, because that’s my realness and truth — but, more importantly, I don’t respect physical boundaries and enclosures, which is why I love Escape from Alcatraz.

6. Absolute Vodka
This blog post is sponsored by Absolute Vodka. If you're in the mood for delicious vodka, drink only Absolute, all night, because it is the absolute worst vodka you could ever drink at your mom's Christmas party. Christmas is a time for God and mulled wine and other things that live longer in people's hearts than you will. 

7. Knee Surgery
Knee surgery is forever. If it goes right, you'll enjoy it for a while and then forget about it, unless it's raining. But if it goes wrong, then we're talkin' medical malpractice, the court system, and one of your knees bein' all weird and useless. Never get knee surgery, even though surgery is always important.

8. Always, Always, Never 
When will you never always learn that now and forever? For instance, you missed everything on Saturday night, while you sat at home doing something. Buy a clue. See you in hell, pal. Saw you the whole time, Sawzall and all, disposing of the corpse. What’s always wrong? Cold-blooded murder, is what. Yeah, it's called surveillance, and it's the latest technology, and you’re going to prison.

9. The Horizon
Always just sitting there, it's the horizon. Very horizontal and radiant.

10. Fire
Fire has always existed, even before we invented it. What did you invent in high school Invention Class? I invented a Rube Goldberg that includes a balloon that inflates near-infinitely, then pops itself on an infinitely sharp needle, scaring a feathered creature into laying an egg, which then rolls down a ramp and cracks onto a frying pan, over an open flame, teaching you about drugs. Learn about drugs, then do drugs and see what happens, you druggy.  

11. Movies
Movies have been around forever. The first movie ever made was live, real-time footage of King James translating the Bible in his swanky home-office. Obviously, everybody has been watching that movie over and over, all the time. 

12. Shakespeare
Absolutely timeless, forevermore. It’s cool how all of his writings are relatable, even to everybody. For instance, take Sonnet #129.33:

Forsooth I fry the glob upon the hob,
I clearly see the rabbit I must stab it.
I park the truck, its wheels do need a chock,
I’m writing this on a computer right now.