Monday, October 22, 2012

Aaron the Dog

My dog met another dog named Lucy, today.  She was so small and coquettish.  They got along well.  He met her while he was playing with his best dog friend, Aaron.  Aaron and Franklin (my dog) were UFC fighting each other in a playground in Fort Greene, and then this woman came over with Lucy, and everyone had a blast.

Then I found out that Aaron has smegma leaking out of his penis.  Every day, my friend has to squeeze the green smegma out of there, by hand, in much the same way a farmer plies the udder of a cow.  Just pinching and tugging until the sludgy discharge is freed from its dick prison.  They took Aaron to the veterinarian to get it checked out, and the veterinarian lady said the smegma was not a problem unless Aaron's penis leaked more than a tablespoon a day.  A TABLESPOON a day.  I'm glad she used a cooking utensil as a point of reference for dog smegma.  I'll think of that next time I make pancakes.  "Mmm, this is delicious flapjack batter.  Could use a touch of dog smegma, though.  Quick, prepare the measuring spoons and your dog's crotch."

 Otherwise, Aaron is the picture of health.  He has such a shiny coat.      

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Very Informative

I stayed up really late, because I took a huge nap until 10 PM.  Now look at me.  It's almost 6 AM.  I feel like a real jerksquad.

Earlier tonight, I ate exactly three chocolate chip cookies.  Then I received heartburn and was forced to medicate myself with Tums.  Tums are actually pretty effective, and they taste like weak Sweet Tarts, which means they taste pretty good.

I am embarrassed to say that I have completely lost my momentum with Moby-Dick.  I haven't been reading it regularly, at all, and, as a result, I am still about halfway through, even though I started reading it months ago.  The good news is that I went to Nantucket with my family and got to see all types of cool stuff regarding Melville's magnum opus.  I even went to the whaling museum and saw a huge sperm whale skeleton.  Sperm whales are prodigious leviathans, and they can destroy you, if they so desire.  I also saw a bent harpoon, alongside many straight harpoons and other whaling accoutrements.  Very rusty and old and heavy.  Also, they played this video about Nantucket, and it was very informative.  I just became overwhelmed by an urge not to explain the video at all, so we'll just leave it at that.

We went to a restaurant, on Nantucket, called Queequeg's.  Turns out it is not the type of place Queequeg would ever patronize.  It's basically just a fancy bar that sells expensive burgers.

You know what's good on Nantucket?  The pre-made sandwiches at Cumberland Farms.  I was pleasantly surprised by this.  Cumby's.  So good.  Tuna sammy.  Not too shabby, if you ask me.

Hey, check it out: I have this new job where I work in a warehouse and get to wear a hard hat sometimes.  It's awesome.  Forklifts possess such strength.  I can't believe it.  If you engage in horseplay near the working forklift, you risk immediate squish-death.