Monday, May 1, 2017

The Sleeping Critic: There Will Be Blood

What? Hmphh...

Ugh, so sleepy. Sorry, I, I must've succumbed to a certain intermittent sleepishness throughout the entire film.

This movie...ehg-hack! ehem! -- oh, geez. So long. Let me reflect upon my viewing experience:

The film did not cease with its flashing and dragging and discord between two emaciated gentlemen. A soporific melodrama, indeed! The film was not gentle with me, recumbent in my power-siesta, drifting away.

The film...yes, yes, I remember now: so much quarreling, so much yelling in California.

Dust and bitterness. Also, everyone's covered in oil. Who's H.W.? What is the big deal with H.W., and why is he being mentioned, constantly? There are too many syllables in his initials to call him by his initials. It's distracting. Why -- I -- ughhh -- so much squabbling, scrambling, and gloom. Leather straps, possibly buckles, possibly boots.

Legs bending, wills breaking.

The soundtrack: unflagging, hostile, tense. So many violins invading my restless slumber. Just an ominous cloud of stringed instruments casting a pall over my dreamscape -- h-help, I can't, I can't handle the plucking. Please stop plucking. Too much cello tension bouncing to and fro within my brainpan.

Yaghh. My neurons. My dendrites. Quit it. Stop strumming my dendrites. My dendrites are trying to rest. Please conclude thy torture.

Scaffolding and picnic tables. That oil derrick is made of untreated lumber. Lots of 2x4's.

A man, a worker, gets crushed by something huge and unstoppable and dies in thick mud -- I sleep the sleep of ages.

H-wah? Oh...ehem. Who's that actor? The guy who plays the pastor? Why is he everywhere? He is an unrelenting screech-owl and I want him gone. Begone, preachy screech-owl. Too much power. Too much power over Little Boston.

Too much oil covering everybody, for what feels like eons. Endless eons of scenes of Daniel Day-Lewis caked with oil and clutching a boy on the floor.

Clamor, and riches -- Oh, good god, I have sweat filthily into the couch. I...I sleep now.

Pblrsrbrst. What? Daniel Day-Lewis is drunk in a bowling alley that belongs exclusively to him, it would appear. Slick wood and depressed isolation. The mewling strings, the color correction, the movie's sheer length: ruffle me. When shall I sleep? Tell me, Couch-God. Hm? Sleepy now? Sleepy no?

Wait, I think something just happened, like, a tea set fell down, and, maybe someone got murdered in the bowling alley, while I was snoozing for a second. I think someone has been seriously hurt or killed.

Okay, now I just woke up at the end of the credits. I am not sure when the movie came to a close. Did something happen after the bowling alley thing happened? I am unsettled. I am a man perturbed, disturbed, and unstrung.

2 out of 5 stars

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Which Neighborhood Should I Do Which Exercise In?

It's the biggest question on all New Yorkers' minds: Which neighborhood should I do which exercise inside of? It's perfectly fine to work out in New York City, but you can't be seen working out in the wrong neighborhood in relation to the exercise you're performing. How do I know this? One time I did Bulgarian split squats in Stuyvesant Town and was mocked, openly, by a group of old men who were sweaty from paddle tennis. It shattered me in twain.

In an effort to help you avoid a similar fate, I have composed a list of what exercises you should do inside of what particular neighborhood in New York City.

1. The Push-up

The push-up is extremely popular. 

The push-up is so basic and awesome of an exercise that you'll want to perform it not in the wrong neighborhood. So listen very closely: Do not perform this exercise anywhere but in Far Rockaway.

Far Rockaway is where all of your push-ups will be performed from now on. 

Just imagine yourself performing push-ups in Far Rockaway, on that boardwalk, like an athlete. Nice work! Now, imagine how much it will frighten you when, upon performing this exercise anywhere else from now on, I pull up in a van and disappear you with my team of mercenaries. Do we understand each other quite clearly?

2. The Chin-up

This is the chin-up that you do every Wednesday, religiously, starting this Wednesday.

You should be proud of all the chin-ups you'll be doing -- but I regret to inform you that you can only do them in Co-op City from now on.

Co-op City is known for its green spaces, and for your never-ending chin-up program. 

Don't worry, Co-op City is just a two-hour jaunt from midtown: perfect for your chin-ups, which will be done there exclusively, from now on. In fact, it would be considered an insult for you to perform any type of pull-up -- or other back exercise, for that matter -- anywhere else from here forward. You are under heavy surveillance.

3. The Deadlift

An easy, casual exercise to perform daily.

Remember when you used to do this exercise in college, before you injured your lower back? Nice. Now you'll be expected to perform it every day in the middle of a landing strip in LaGuardia Airport.

Shiny planes are just hundreds of the things that will be coming at you during your deadlift session.  

Studies have shown that the vast, scorching asphalt of this famed Queens aerodrome is ideal for your high-intensity workout. Please be sure to complete your reps before getting sucked into a jet engine.

4. The Squat

The squat: no reason not to do it in perpetuity.

Have fun waking up tomorrow morning at 4:00 AM so you can make your squat appointment in the only place you will ever do squats from here on out: Prince's Bay, Staten Island.

Prince's Bay has a big green field for your endless squats.

Pay no attention to Jason Mutz and Rob Hexley, the two real estate developers who will be watching your every squat while yelling at you to hurry up and finish, so they can build condos. Just kidding. Pay attention to them, and show them the utmost respect. I don't need to explain why. Just know that I have an Astro Van filled with hired gunmen tracking you at all times, and that Jason Mutz and Rob Hexley are somehow involved with the operation.

5. Wrestle A Bear 

A bear, working itself into a lather before shredding you to ribbons. 

Bear wrestling happens almost exclusively in the movies (e.g., The Revenant), but you will be wrestling a bear in real life, no matter what, because that is what the spectators are paying to see in six months, when you compete in my underground blood sport. For your information, the only appropriate place for you to wrestle a bear in New York City is in Central Park, like Arnold Schwarzenegger in Hercules in New York, a movie that Arnold is probably very embarrassed by.

This is a fake bear. Yours will be very real. 

I hope you now understand how important it is to do certain exercises in certain neighborhoods. Make sure to respect the parameters of this workout regimen, so you will be in optimal physical condition for your wrestling bout with an entire, actual bear in six months. If you have any questions, please search "What just happened to my life?" or "Weightlifting Accident" in your web browser.

This is my favorite scene from Commando.

Sunday, February 8, 2015

12 Absolutes You'll Never Need, Every Time

Some idiot who always wears Patagonia. 

Just like everyone, everywhere, you're always absolutely gonna be guaranteed, every time. But never, also. But, whaaaaat?! Um…yeah! That's why you're never gonna need it: because you always have it — and if you don't always have it, you're gonna want it. You know it. Don't act like you don't. But do it absolutely, forever. That's because always. Here're definitely 12 reasons why:

1. You're Always Reading This
It sucks that you started reading this, because now you're always reading it, in perpetuity. It's almost like it's impossible for you to read something else; except you will read something else, every time. Classic you. Go classic yourself. 

2. Just Like Everyone, You Always Are
You're never not, and that is precisely why you always are. Don't die, or else you'll prove that you were, but aren't anymore, and we won't abide that kind of hypocrisy, ever. 

3. You Always Aren't, Also
So, in that way, you're an individual, who is like no one. No one that is, and no one that ever has been, is like you now, and will be like you forever, unless you are an average person, in which case, like most people, you’re like everyone else. You always read that while you read that, which means everything.  

4. Absolutely
Are you definitely going to the party at Johnny's? Absolutely. And no one can tell you otherwise, as long as you both shall live. Go to Johnny's party, and then get married to Johnny, because marriage is forever.

5. Forever
What is forever? you might totally ask me, every time. I don't know. To define forever would be to give it boundaries, and I don't respect boundaries. I don't respect personal boundaries, as you know, because I’m up in your grill, 24-7 — or I’m not up in your grill at all, depending on if you love me or you hate me, and it’s gotta be one or the other, because that’s my realness and truth — but, more importantly, I don’t respect physical boundaries and enclosures, which is why I love Escape from Alcatraz.

6. Absolute Vodka
This blog post is sponsored by Absolute Vodka. If you're in the mood for delicious vodka, drink only Absolute, all night, because it is the absolute worst vodka you could ever drink at your mom's Christmas party. Christmas is a time for God and mulled wine and other things that live longer in people's hearts than you will. 

7. Knee Surgery
Knee surgery is forever. If it goes right, you'll enjoy it for a while and then forget about it, unless it's raining. But if it goes wrong, then we're talkin' medical malpractice, the court system, and one of your knees bein' all weird and useless. Never get knee surgery, even though surgery is always important.

8. Always, Always, Never 
When will you never always learn that now and forever? For instance, you missed everything on Saturday night, while you sat at home doing something. Buy a clue. See you in hell, pal. Saw you the whole time, Sawzall and all, disposing of the corpse. What’s always wrong? Cold-blooded murder, is what. Yeah, it's called surveillance, and it's the latest technology, and you’re going to prison.

9. The Horizon
Always just sitting there, it's the horizon. Very horizontal and radiant.

10. Fire
Fire has always existed, even before we invented it. What did you invent in high school Invention Class? I invented a Rube Goldberg that includes a balloon that inflates near-infinitely, then pops itself on an infinitely sharp needle, scaring a feathered creature into laying an egg, which then rolls down a ramp and cracks onto a frying pan, over an open flame, teaching you about drugs. Learn about drugs, then do drugs and see what happens, you druggy.  

11. Movies
Movies have been around forever. The first movie ever made was live, real-time footage of King James translating the Bible in his swanky home-office. Obviously, everybody has been watching that movie over and over, all the time. 

12. Shakespeare
Absolutely timeless, forevermore. It’s cool how all of his writings are relatable, even to everybody. For instance, take Sonnet #129.33:

Forsooth I fry the glob upon the hob,
I clearly see the rabbit I must stab it.
I park the truck, its wheels do need a chock,
I’m writing this on a computer right now.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Top 10 Shapes

"What is a shape?" You might ask, rudely. Well, let's look at the dictionary. According to modern lexicographers in colleges in some town over there in a ditch, shape is Greek for the German word shapzkrieg, meaning triangles. With that in mind, we can understand why shapes are such an integral part of geometry, aka 8th grade math, aka school sucks, aka you got diarrhea on pizza day.

Anyhow, the shapes listed below are the ones you need to keep in mind when you're doing all sorts of crap. (Don't shapes make you want to soar through the shapeless clouds, or navigate the amorphous seas? Don't they inspire you to float in one way or another? Don't they make you feel as light as a feather?!) Whatever it is that shapes do to you--I, for one, find that squares drive me absolutely crazy--you gotta know them inside and out. Check out this list of shapes you haven't thought about since pre-school:

1. Square
Please recall that I mentioned squares, before. The square is a shape on paper. The town square is where the mayor will make an example of you if you are caught shoplifting chewing gum in 1762. If you're just gonna steal shit, then the answer, quite simply, is public humiliation.

2. Circle
Life is a circle. You're born, you get a yinyang tattoo that everyone secretly hates, and then you die in a pile of leaves.

3. Triangle
I believe we are all familiar with the triceratops, who has three horns, each one signifying a time his wife cheated on him with Tommy Smithbags from down the street. Cuckoldry: forever attendant on those who eat ferns. The triceratops isn't even extinct; it's just embarrassed and hiding behind Mt. Rushmore.

4. Rectangle
The rectangle comes at you in all shapes and forms, from circles, to squares, to who-knows-what. You can't really draw a rectangle or really even measure it at all. It's like a sack filled with mud. You either sit on the sack, or pour out the mud and use the sack for something else...sorta -- it's, like, rectangles are all gross and muddy, but they're all kinda similar, too. Same thing, really.

5. Trapezoid
Pronounced trape-squad, the trapezoid is spending most of its time wandering aimlessly across Europe; just wasting Dad's money -- just whatever -- and we're all getting pret-ty sick of its shit. Get a real job. Also, I'm not buyin' it. I'm not even buyin' that this thing even exists, because I don't go to Europe for walks 'n' shit. Go back to France. 

6. Alaska
It's big; it's northerly; it's distinctive. It looks like Alaska, every time. It's not like New Hampshire, which is just inverted Vermont. Those two states have got to be fucking kidding me. They could switch places every time I look at the map, and I wouldn't notice.

7. Amoebas
Amoebas are cool because they have only one cell. The coffee you are drinking right now is probably filled with amoebas. I've seen a bunch of amoebas in high school science class, so I know exactly how it feels for you to be drinking poison.

8. Slabs of Meat
Most shapely meat slabs have gone through a process of tenderizing, which makes them all the more tantalizing and damp. Take the damp meat, place it onto a frying pan on medium heat, and create a household smell. The kitchen is really the Hertz of the houseboat.

9. Dome
The tricky thing about domes is you got your domes, but then you got your super-domes. Now, domes are easy and no probs, McBlobs. But if you're talkin' super-domes, you're talkin' maintenance, you're talkin' keepin' the dome up to code, you're dealin' with the dome inspector, Sal Moutsitrakas, you gotta reseed, run the pipes -- the list goes on. Stick to small upside-down domes, such as cereal bowls. No one even knows you have them, or molluscum.

10. Ten
The number "10" is a neat shape because you can't wait to reach it if you are counting to ten. It's kinda like a goal, or stuffs.