Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Which Neighborhood Should I Do Which Exercise In?

It's the biggest question on all New Yorkers' minds: Which neighborhood should I do which exercise inside of? It's perfectly fine to work out in New York City, but you can't be seen working out in the wrong neighborhood in relation to the exercise you're performing. How do I know this? One time I did Bulgarian split squats in Stuyvesant Town and was mocked, openly, by a group of old men who were sweaty from paddle tennis. It shattered me in twain.

In an effort to help you avoid a similar fate, I have composed a list of what exercises you should do inside of what particular neighborhood in New York City.

1. The Push-up

The push-up is extremely popular. 

The push-up is so basic and awesome of an exercise that you'll want to perform it not in the wrong neighborhood. So listen very closely: Do not perform this exercise anywhere but in Far Rockaway.

Far Rockaway is where all of your push-ups will be performed from now on. 

Just imagine yourself performing push-ups in Far Rockaway, on that boardwalk, like an athlete. Nice work! Now, imagine how much it will frighten you when, upon performing this exercise anywhere else from now on, I pull up in a van and disappear you with my team of mercenaries. Do we understand each other quite clearly?

2. The Chin-up

This is the chin-up that you do every Wednesday, religiously, starting this Wednesday.

You should be proud of all the chin-ups you'll be doing -- but I regret to inform you that you can only do them in Co-op City from now on.

Co-op City is known for its green spaces, and for your never-ending chin-up program. 

Don't worry, Co-op City is just a two-hour jaunt from midtown: perfect for your chin-ups, which will be done there exclusively, from now on. In fact, it would be considered an insult for you to perform any type of pull-up -- or other back exercise, for that matter -- anywhere else from here forward. You are under heavy surveillance.

3. The Deadlift

An easy, casual exercise to perform daily.

Remember when you used to do this exercise in college, before you injured your lower back? Nice. Now you'll be expected to perform it every day in the middle of a landing strip in LaGuardia Airport.

Shiny planes are just hundreds of the things that will be coming at you during your deadlift session.  

Studies have shown that the vast, scorching asphalt of this famed Queens aerodrome is ideal for your high-intensity workout. Please be sure to complete your reps before getting sucked into a jet engine.

4. The Squat

The squat: no reason not to do it in perpetuity.

Have fun waking up tomorrow morning at 4:00 AM so you can make your squat appointment in the only place you will ever do squats from here on out: Prince's Bay, Staten Island.

Prince's Bay has a big green field for your endless squats.

Pay no attention to Jason Mutz and Rob Hexley, the two real estate developers who will be watching your every squat while yelling at you to hurry up and finish, so they can build condos. Just kidding. Pay attention to them, and show them the utmost respect. I don't need to explain why. Just know that I have an Astro Van filled with hired gunmen tracking you at all times, and that Jason Mutz and Rob Hexley are somehow involved with the operation.

5. Wrestle A Bear 

A bear, working itself into a lather before shredding you to ribbons. 

Bear wrestling happens almost exclusively in the movies (e.g., The Revenant), but you will be wrestling a bear in real life, no matter what, because that is what the spectators are paying to see in six months, when you compete in my underground blood sport. For your information, the only appropriate place for you to wrestle a bear in New York City is in Central Park, like Arnold Schwarzenegger in Hercules in New York, a movie that Arnold is probably very embarrassed by.

This is a fake bear. Yours will be very real. 

I hope you now understand how important it is to do certain exercises in certain neighborhoods. Make sure to respect the parameters of this workout regimen, so you will be in optimal physical condition for your wrestling bout with an entire, actual bear in six months. If you have any questions, please search "What just happened to my life?" or "Weightlifting Accident" in your web browser.

This is my favorite scene from Commando.

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