Garlic Knot: "I'm Like That"

My dog never gets sick of eating chicken. The guy couldn't care less. I respect that.

My girlfriend is gone, tonight, so it's just me and the guys in the apartment. Guys' night in. Me, my cat, and my dog. Just sitting around and sniffing stuff and preening and dozing off. We're really something, the three of us. Just guys.

Tomorrow is picture day at school, and I am in serious need of a haircut. I fear that my picture will be an abomination. My wardrobe has really gone down the tubes, this year. I am wearing stuff from my 2008 line. It's boring, but I am broke and short on time. My shoes are scuffed up and look like they belong on an old man. I really need to clean up my act.

I saw Jackass 3D. It was like any other Jackass movie. I enjoyed it. I saw it with a couple of friends. We went to the Beekman Theater, on 66th and 2nd Ave. That theater rules. It's slightly hidden and only has two screens, but it's big and clean and new, and it doesn't get too crowded (it seems). After the movie, I gave my friend a flask that's shaped like a cell phone and filled with J&B scotch. Then we tried to find a basic pub so that we could eat and drink a little, but the upper east side offers no such thing. They just have Italian restaurants that charge $30 a plate, and fancy bistros. We walked around for 45 minutes and eventually gave up. If you don't have a lot of money, you can't hang out in that neighborhood, unless you are going to the pharmacy or a standard pizza place.

Once my friends and I parted ways, I went to a standard pizza place, and this lady kept offering me her garlic knots. She was very gracious. I accepted, and as I was putting the garlic knot into my mouth, she said, "I put salt on it." I was repulsed. But I choked it down, out of respect. As I swallowed, I thanked her. She said, "No problem. I always share my food. I'm like that." Then, this drunk young guy came into the pizza shop and started asking the guy at the counter if the cookies and other pastries were real. Then, he said something to the garlic knot lady, and she said, "Oh I know you're not talking to me!" And he walked out and said, "This guy gets it," and he pointed at me. I replied, "Yeah, I get it," and then I almost said something like, "...I get that you're stupid," but I held back, and the garlic knot lady said, "I get that you're stupid," and then, to me, "He walkin' around drunk, livin' off his mama." The whole situation made me feel nothing, really, but that lady was very nice to share her food.

The moral of the story is, Don't go to the upper east side on a Saturday night, because you'll end up with a boring story to tell.

The Hag

My girlfriend made the chicken parmesan meal I was talking about. I guess I have to see Paranormal Activity 2 with her, now. Shit. I'm doomed. I'm doomed to fear demons for 3 weeks straight.

The chicken parmesan came out pretty good. She cooked the chicken perfectly. I was impressed. The penne pasta tasted delightful, as well. You know what doesn't taste delightful? Demon breath, as the demon pins you down while you're sleeping. The hag demon. God, how I fear the hag. I hope to never be victimized by the hag. Have you ever heard of the hag? That's the old lady demon creature that climbs on top of you when you're sleeping and makes you feel paralyzed. The hag is so selfish. The trick with the hag is that you have to blur your vision and look at her another way, and she looks like a pretty young woman. Not everybody knows that, though. I saw a lady on TV who was tortured by the hag for years, and the only way she could make it stop was by receiving therapy from a shaman. Get a load of that, huh? I never want that to happen to me. So unfair. Demons have extraordinary superpowers and signature moves.

The worst part is, the more you think about the demons, the more you let them into your home. It's like that movie, Skeleton Key, where the lady is in the house, and she doesn't believe, but then she believes a little, which causes her to eventually host the fiery demon. That's why I don't want to see Paranormal Activity 2. If I see a movie like that, I'll think about it all the time for the following 14-21 days. My girlfriend can watch that sort of movie and immediately move on with her life. I watch a movie like that and I need a shaman to deliver me from evil.

I hope I am never possessed by an evil spirit. Body possession is immoral. It's a form of bullying, and I won't stand for it.

We Are Monsters (Living in a Monstrous Home)

My girlfriend and I live in squalor and filth, so we decided to spend the evening eating brownies and pizza at my friend's place. It was nice. They have a cute French Bulldog. I guess the little guy recently got jumped by a larger dog, during some sort of Milkbone dispute, so now he's got one eye that's red and a bloody lip. Poor little guy. His spirits are high, though, which is important.

When I saw my friend tonight, I got nostalgic, because he and his wife are about to have a baby, and time just goes by so fast. Then I fantasized about saying something poetic and profound to him on his deathbed. Is that a normal fantasy? I don't know. It made me feel good. I pictured myself saying something like, "Life just goes by, and then you're dying and almost dead, and look at you, looking at me, the guy you went to college with, a much older guy now, by comparison, but, in many ways, the same man, yet different. Life plays out the story of you without you even knowing it, and then, all of the sudden, you realize you've been playing a certain character for quite some time, and maybe you like the guy you've played, or maybe you don't, but it doesn't matter because you played a necessary role, my friend. I look at you, dying, an old man, frail and wrinkly, and I still see my good pal from days of yore. I remember your youth, my friend. I remember you when we played intramural basketball, and you tried to fight that Turkish dude. It's cool, man. You were an English major, and you probably read the Iliad one too many times. I know I did. It's cool. Have you ever seen Basketball Diaries? Good flick. Leo was young when they shot that film, as you were once young and pugnacious. Freakin' Leo. Good actor. I hope heaven has an intramural basketball team, and I'm on it, along with Teen Wolf. Sleep now, good buddy. Sleep unto your death. Sleep."

I don't know. Is that normal? I think it is a good fantasy. It's powerful. It moved me to tears, almost.

The apartment is dirty. My girlfriend and I are monsters, living in a monstrous home.

Eat the Chicken, Fear the Demon

Lately, I have had an unnatural urge to refer to cupcakes as brownies. You know, Shakespeare believed that even if you call something by the wrong name, that something is still the same thing it always was and will be. "If you call a rose some other name, it's still gonna be a rose and smell good," Shakespeare said.

I usually bring Crumbs cupcakes home on Tuesday nights. Pow. Then my girlfriend and I eat them. One each. It's a nice little treat. You have to treat yourself.

Halloween is approaching. My girlfriend wants me to see Paranormal Activity 2 with her. I am scared to see it. I watched Paranormal Activity 1 last year, and it made me afraid of demons for 3 weeks. That sucked. The worst part about demons is that you can never defeat them or outrun them or anything. They're just too powerful. It's not a fair fight. So, I told my girlfriend that I will see Paranormal Activity 2 with her as long as she cooks me chicken parmesan with penne pasta. This way, I will never have to see Paranormal Activity 2, and I can avoid fearing demons.

I don't fear aliens because I think they're fake.

E.T., for example, is fake.