Friday, July 20, 2012
Man. My dog is looking at me straight in the face right now. He has a tawny pelt, like a she-lion. His coat of butterscotch fur shines like a Werther's Original and smells like nachos. I caress him on a regular basis. Uhp, now he's barfing up yellow spume on the floor.
Have you ever read King Solomon's Mines, by H. Rider Haggard? They made a movie out of it, in the eighties, starring Richard Chamberlain. I love Richard Chamberlain. We have similar physiques and chest hair. He was also in Shogun, the miniseries. Great decapitation scene in that one. Also, Richard Chamberlain gets peed on in that miniseries.
So King Solomon's Mines is a great book. It's slightly racist, at times, but not too shabby, nevertheless. It's actually really progressive for a book written in the late nineteenth century by a white guy. It's considered a "romance," in that it is about some heroes going on an adventure quest in a foreign land. There is some actual kissy, smoochy romance in it too, for example, the interracial love affair that develops between Captain Good and Foulata.
They say that H. Rider Haggard wrote this book in about four months, after making a bet with his brother that he could write a better adventure story than Robert Louis Stevenson's Treasure Island. I can't tell whether or not he succeeded. Great book, though. Lots of exciting battle scenes and funny turns of phrase.
If I wrote a book in four months, it would probably be way worse than King Solomon's Mines. I know what it would be about, though. It would be about a bike messenger who gets his thighs smushed by a dump truck, rendering him incapable of thrashing the streets. It would be called, Because of the Squishing Force of that Truck, My Legs Are Like Those of a Ragdoll.