Saturday, April 23, 2011

Iced-out Paradise in the Sky

I finished reading Robinson Crusoe. That book is so dumb. I'm not even saying that because I missed the basic concept. The book just sucks, that's all. I'm glad I read it, though.

It's based on the real life, deserted island adventures of this Scottish man, Alexander Selkirk (1676-1721). He got stuck on the island of Juan Fernandez, for about 5 years, and became the monarch of all he surveyed.

He did all types of cool stuff. For instance, he ate tons of Craw-fish. He also made delicious broth from goat's flesh. He kept a tally of how many goats he killed on the island: 500. He hunted and killed 500 goats. Very respectable kill count.

When he ran out of gunpowder, he developed superhuman running abilities, and became adept at chasing down and tackling goats. One time, he sacked a goat, and he and the goat tumbled off a cliff. Then he lay there for three days, completely stunned, the goat squished beneath him. I'm guessing he eventually got up, dragged the goat's corpse into his hut, and made it into a delectable soup. Totally worth it.

He bred and trained cats to vanquish the rats that gnawed his feet during the night.

He made a goat-skin cap and would dance and sing with tame goats and cats. This simple diversion brought him great joy.

At first, he was very afraid of the sea lions and their terrible jaws, but then he learned to sneak up from behind and chop the bejesus out of them with a hatchet.

He also had some mathematical instruments. I have no idea what he did with them, or what they even looked like. Let's just imagine that he had an outstanding protractor collection.

I actually really like the accounts of Selkirk's adventure. I like his story much more than that of Robinson Crusoe. Check out what Selkirk said after he was recovered from the island and brought home: "I am now worth 800 pounds, but shall never be so happy, as when I was not worth a Farthing."

Indeed, Selkirk. The more money we come across, the more problems we see. At this very moment, Biggie and Selkirk are probably hanging out in Thugz Mansion together, along with Tupac, and 500 goats, dancing and singing.

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