Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Nantucket Diarrhea Discus

Wowzers! So many basic topics to be discussed in life. For tonight, let's discuss the discus. Did you know that the discus used to be used as a weapon, but now it is just used by high school students that go to a school that can afford to have such bizarre equipment? It's true. I was on the track team in 8th grade, when I was a full-on, skinny dweebstick. I was totally frail, yet I chose the following events to compete in: discus; shot put; long jump. Big wow. Long jump might seem reasonable to someone who doesn't know just how bony and knock-kneed my legs were, but no. I sucked at it. I was never very swift on my feet. I had big feet attached to spindly legs. In 6th grade, my friends used to yell, "Run, Will, run!" just to incite me to run, so that they could laugh at my pathetic, gangly strides. The first time I did it, I thought they thought I was cool, but then I realized they were laughing at me and how I looked like a doofmaestro. It cut my insides asunder to know that I was being gibed in such a manner. Where be your gibes, now, guys? Huh? Now look at my legs and thighs and stuff. So nice and everything. I still lack running prowess, though.

One time my sister got diarrhea in Nantucket. She went to Nantucket and received a stomach bug. I was there. It was very embarrassing for her. She was approximately twelve years old.

I remember waking up in Nantucket one night, and I was stuck in the weirdest, most frightening half-asleep nightmare state, ever. I still remember the images. I thought there were all these beach bugs in my bed, and I was tearing at the covers like a damn wildman, and I kept seeing the beach and knowing that the beach bugs were out there, teeming and clicking and digging away at the grainy shore. It was something. I always liked going on family trips to Nantucket, because I got to feel like a hip, knowledgeable mainlander. Actually, I may have only felt that way once I reached my angsty life phase. Before that phase, I sort of just liked going there and riding my bicycle while wearing fluorescent sunglasses with a croakie. The croakie had dinosaurs on it and went great with my mullet.

Chances are very high that I will be eating a TimTam tonight. I love those things. I'll have a TimTam or two. I'll take a tally of the TimTams I eat tonight and tell you tomorrow.

My girlfriend looks pretty doofy on the dumb couch right now. I want to spit a dead monkey at her, like that part in Anaconda. Good film. Good use of primitive computer graphics. I think they used an abacus to animate that snake. I wish I were the first person to make an abacus joke; then that joke would be a real zinger!

Floss tonight? 50% chance, as usual.

Poop cat turds.

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